I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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