I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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