That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
its liver damage thursday
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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