forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
