Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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