My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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