I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
