The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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