Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
