You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
