I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
