Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Randomize
