Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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