Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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