I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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