I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
