Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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