JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
