I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
