i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I AM VODKA MAN
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
