how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
