I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
