Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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