I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
