i jhust puked up my retainher.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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