i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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