If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
