You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he thought i was a dude.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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