Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
