you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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