Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
