can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
