I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
