Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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