I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
