Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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