God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
