He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
