Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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