Michael Bay diarrhea
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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