yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
