Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
