I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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