It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
