My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
