I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
