Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
