ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
