I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
