I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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