She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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